


Maternal Instinct

by hanyou_elf



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-04
Updated: 2012-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-28 21:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/312573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanyou_elf/pseuds/hanyou_elf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled.  ~Emily Dickinson</p>
            </blockquote>





	Maternal Instinct

_A mother is one to whom you hurry when you are troubled.  ~Emily Dickinson_

Spencer is coming over today. He wrote me about it several times. He said he had something important to tell me, so I am determined to be as lucid as possible when he shows up.

The way it sounds in his letter, my baby needs his mother.

He's a good boy. Confused and scared sometimes, but a really good boy. Even if I did cry and make it harder for him to put me here. I understand, even though I never really wanted to.

Spencer was working on getting into the FBI. My son, a federal agent. That skinny little boy who remembers everything he reads with perfect clarity; who had to grow up long before his time. Maybe he's coming to tell me that he's changed his mind and took a teaching position at UNLV to be closer to home than Virginia.

No matter what though, I am proud of my son for what he's accomplished.

What he will accomplish.

I can hear talking in the hallway, and I hope it's my baby boy. Apparently they aren't going to tell me he's here, probably at Spencer's request. He does like to surprise his mother.

''Mom?'' he asks softly as the door opens.

I try to hide my excitement at the sound of his voice, freshly freed from its pubescent squeak.

''Come on in, Spence,'' I order. He will. He was just checking me out before he came in. To see where I am in terms of lucidity.

''I've got good news, mom,'' he says excitedly. ''And bad news.''

''You're not staying in Las Vegas, are you?'' I have to ask.

''I'm going to Quantico. To Virginia.'' He looks away from me for a long minute, and I can't help but wonder: what would life have been like for him if I'd only been saner?

He's too skinny, and he's jumpy. Usually he's at least given me a hug by now, sat down beside me with my arms around his shoulders. He's too jumpy, too scared for that right now.

''What's in Quantico?'' I ask instead of what I really want to ask. I want to know who hurt my baby.

''A branch of the FBI known as the Behavioral Analysis Unit, or the BAU. Mom, I'll get to use all of my knowledge to protect people.''

''You really are going to be an FBI agent? I'm proud of you, Spence,'' I say. But a part of me is breaking too. Because that means my Spencer will very far from me. And I don't think I'll get to see him much.

''I'm going to be working with Jason Gideon in headquarters while he teaches me practical applications of everything I've read. And then I'll be assigned a team to work with.'' He bows his head and his hair covers his eyes. He's wounded, my boy. And I can't protect him.

''Will you be taken care of?'' I ask, because I need to know.

''Of course. The FBI wouldn't want to lose a great mind like mine?,'' he smiles.

''Spencer, I love you, son; you can tell me anything,'' I say softly. He already knows. but sometimes it's good for a mother to tell her son the truth.

''I'll write you when I can,'' he promises.

He stands quickly, and he gestures helplessly. ''I've got to go. My plane leaves for Quantico in three hours.''

''Give your mother a hug,'' I demand. He appears frightened at the prospect, but I ignore it to wrap my lanky son up in my arms. ''I love you. Be careful.''

-.-.-.-

No letters come. But he visits me three times and I visit Quantico once before he comes to Las Vegas for two weeks recovery time.

-.-.-.-

''Your son is here. Would you like to see him?'' one of the nurses asks.

''Take me to my baby,'' I demand. I think I'll lecture him on the importance of staying in contact with his mother. He has a fairly dangerous job. I need to know he's safe.

But all words fall away when I see him, curled in on himself on the couch in the waiting room. There's a black man that I don't know with him, but I ignore him for my baby.

He's far too skinny. Even though he's sitting perfectly still, there is obvious tension in his back and shoulders. He's too still. He's wearing a blue medical boot on one foot and his hands are fisted in his lap. Dark hair covers his face. My baby...

''Spencer?'' I whisper. He jumps and looks up at me with the biggest brown eyes I've ever seen. He looks so utterly defeated. ''What happened?''

''Mrs. Reid,'' the black man in the room says quietly. ''Reid was recently put on two weeks medical leave so his foot can heal.''

''Who are you?'' Looking down at my baby, I ask: ''What happened to you, Spencer?'' I can feel the beginning of panic working its way through my system. Please God, don't let it be too bad.

''Mom?'' Spencer murmurs. His voice is hoarse, his words are slurred. He sounds like some of the kids that come in for detox. What's happened to you, baby? ''I'm sorry I put you in here,'' he finally says.

''It was the only thing you could do. I don't care. You were too young and far too talented to live with me as a burden. I'm doing better here.''

''I didn't honor my mother and I had to pay for it,'' he explains quietly. ''Please forgive me.''

In horror, I watch as my pride and joy falls to his knees before me and just cries. His whole skinny body shakes with the force of his sobs and I know I can't hold him tight enough. I'll try though; my arms wrap completely around his little frame and I hold him like I used to when he was a child.

''Oh, baby, I do.'' I hold him tightly, I need to comfort him. He shouldn't be here like this. He's too good to be so devastatingly broken. ''I do.''

I don't expect what happens next. He just collapses in my arms. Suddenly a heavy weight and a mess. My son is so broken. He can't go back to Quantico like this. He can't!

''Mrs. Reid,'' the black man says again. ''Let me take him. I need to get him to the hospital.''

''Who _are_ you?''

''I'm Derek Morgan. I work with Reid,'' he answers softly. ''He wouldn't relax in the hospital, so the unit chief allowed me to bring him to you.''

''What happened to him?''

''It isn't my story to tell,'' Derek answers ominously.

''Take care of my son,'' I growl.

I kiss his head and loosen my arms around him. I am surprised at how gently this man lifts my broken son. He holds him gently, cuddles him close to his chest. My son is precious to him, that I can see. I just didn't expect it to be a man.

Or maybe I did and always slightly hoped for something else.

-.-.-.-

 _Mom,_

 _Sorry about the way you had to see me the other day. Morgan told me he didn't tell you what happened. Don't worry too much about it, mom._

 _The case we were on was hard to handle. There was a lot of violence involved and I got hurt pretty badly. I just needed to make sure that you were okay._

 _I'm sorry I scared you. I love you._

-.-.-.-

Spencer writes to tell me the team has a case in Las Vegas. It'll be the first time I've seen him since the incident with Derek Morgan. I wonder how he's healed with Derek and his team helping him along.

I hope he doesn't have that terrible slur like he did last time. He's asked me if he can come stay with me, if he can stay in the hospital with me, and I agreed. I miss my baby, and it'll be nice to have him with me. But to keep him from falling into the safety of his childhood habits, I told him one night, one night only. I suppose it helps you get your way when people think you're crazy.

I hope he looks healthy. And I know I’m going to wish he ate more. Maybe I can convince him to bring Chinese takeout. At least than he can feel better about what he's eating, and I'll feel better knowing he's eating something.

He is my pride and joy. I'm so glad for what he's done, for the difficult career he chose and the ability he has to thrive within it. He's a hero out there. I hate that I’m not always lucid enough to appreciate his accomplishments.

I hope and pray and beg that he won't be cursed with this disease. He's dealt with enough in his short life to not have to deal with schizophrenia too. It would just be far too cruel a trick to pull on him. My beautiful boy who resents violence and reveres intelligence.

I hope whatever brings them out here, keeps them long enough to let me visit my son.

-.-.-.-

He writes me about his father. While here in Vegas, apparently Spencer had to deal with the disappearance of one whom I'd always considered an imaginary friend. One whom I had convinced myself had never really existed. Only because I didn't want to deal with the murder of that pedophile and the subsequent break-up of my tenuous marriage.

Riley Jenkins existed. He was molested and murdered and dumped in his father's home unceremoniously. By the man who had wanted to hurt my baby too. God I was so lucky.

He writes me about his father. He wants to know more about him. Apparently he's been keeping tabs on Spencer, probably out of guilt for abandoning him so completely. I'm glad that he's trying to learn more. I hope his father returns the favor and their relationship reconnects.

-.-.-.-

I watch the news and hear about the anthrax. I hear about the FBI being involved, about them taking an active interest in it. I only hope Spencer isn't there.

-.-.-.-

I pull my hands against my stomach when Spencer walks in with Derek Morgan's dark hand clutched in his.

They look good together. I won't lie about that. My son is happy with this man. He looks good, healthy again. He's got a hint of a smile on his handsome face. Derek looks severe, even as he looks studious and curious about the people in the home with me. I like that, it means he wants to know more about Spencer's life outside of their FBI unit.

''Mom,'' Spencer smiles. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. He's so perfectly handsome, clinging to the black man behind him. He looks healthy again, he doesn't look broken like he did when he'd come to see me with Derek the first time. I don't know if time or this man healed him, but whatever it was, I'm grateful for it. The line of concentration doesn't mar his smooth forehead this time either. He's not thinking about the stress of his job.

''Hey, baby,'' I answer.

''We wanted to tell you in person before we came out together. Morgan and I are seeing each other.''

''Are you happy?'' I ask. That's my only concern for him now. It's so easy to be his mother when he's an adult. But I think he understands enough to understand what happened to me, what we had to deal with when he was younger.

''I am. Derek's good to me, mom,'' Spencer answers with a blushing smile.

I can't stop the responding smile as he looks away from me. He's embarrassed, maybe he thought I wouldn't approve?

''Then I hope it stays that way,'' I admit. And it's the truth. I hope my baby gets that happiness he deserves. That he's earned through hard work and living on the fringes of society.

Derek Morgan had better be good to my baby. He'd better love my son more than anyone else.

''If you hurt my son, I'll make you pay for it.''

And Derek merely laughs and answers me with a softly spoken, ''You'd have to wait in line, ma'am.''

He looks at my son and lifts his hand to his mouth, pressing a kiss to their joined hands. This is love pure and simple. Love as it should be. And for my son, nothing less would be acceptable.


End file.
